The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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