3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
