Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
