Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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