Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
