And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
