so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
