Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
