I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
