first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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