I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
