I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You made out with two different species that night
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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