Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
