so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
