a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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