i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize