Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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