her vagine was all disorganized.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
