Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
