Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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