I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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