I looked at my own cervix.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
