Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
