worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
