I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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