dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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