My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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