If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
