you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
