Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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