Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
