I hate your face
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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