Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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