ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
