Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
