I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
