I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
