Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
