Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
