I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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