how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
