I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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