She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
