I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
