umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Randomize
