i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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