Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
NoShamevember. You game?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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