He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
