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Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
