We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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