his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Is Oprah even human
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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