took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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