If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
