last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
