I think im going to throw up on grandma
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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