I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Just puked most of my soul out..
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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