If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize