I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
