My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
