plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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