but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
