My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
