gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize