Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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