Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
please don't ironically join a cult
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